Saturday, April 18, 2009

Mrs. Matthews takes a nosedive

All right Danielle Fishel.
We get it.
Your career has somewhat (we're being a little generous) been on the d-cline since "Boy Meets World" and TGIF left the picture. Sidebar: remember TGIF? Remember TGIF and SNICK? Those were the shit when we were twelve, were they not? Anyhow: career's been on the downward slope. Also, Google informs us the you were arrested for a DUI. And that you used to date Lance Bass who is now quite openly homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that...but you have to admit that when a former lover starts playing for the other team that logically there must be some sentiment of failure on the part of the ex. Think about it). Plus, he was a big pop star and was presumably going places and had lots of success and you...well, you kind of fell off the face of the planet for a couple of years along with Corey and Sean and Eric.
Back in the day, you were hot stuff. So it makes physchological sense that you're kind of trying to re-live your ABC primetime glory days through fashion. But just because it makes sense does not mean that it's a good choice:

What the hell, child?
You are not Alicia Keyes. You are TOPANGA.

What makes this even worse is that apparently, you are part of some collaboration with the Style network which we've never seen but can only assume that it has something to do with "The Dish", as indicated by all the promo pictures available. Your efforts are undeniably admirable: a co-hosting gig on a major cable channel is most definitely a larger stride than the majority of the rest of your fellow Friday night line-up alum. But donchathink that if one is hosting (or even co-hosting) a current fashion-related anything, one should not dress like one is a member of the Spice Girls circa 1997?

Current fashions aside, there's also another horribly unflattering layer to this saga in the form of a commercial on the Style Network for a multitude of their shows including "The Dish." It features a veritable bounty of other fabulous people (or, just about as fabulous as the Style Network can get these days...but we digress):

Finola Hughes, for whom one of us possesses a very VERY unnatural love for (blame it on the Soaps).
Thom Filicia, who is first on our list of possible celebrity gay husbands and needs to come decorate our offices pronto.
Niecy Nash, who always has some sort of motherly-wisdom, bold color statements, and silk flower hair accessories to entertain us with, even if she does choose to place inflection on odd words at inappropriate times.

And, as would be expected they all look fabulous. All of them, that is, except for you. Although the internet being used to type this does not currently provide access to YouTube, we are promising that a link to the afroementioned hideousness will be posted. Because it's really just that awful.
There's an ill-fitting satin dress involved (albeit the color is not all that horrible) that's both too tight and too short and over-processed hair that would make John Frieda's eyes bleed.

Okay, seriously Topanga? We're here for you. We want you to succeed.
And that's why we think that maybe you need to fire your stylists.